Mary, Sue, and the Visitor from Space
by SnowGlobeQueen
Summary: Loki is on the run and needs a place to hide out. He makes the colossal error of choosing the home of Sue and Mary.
1. Chapter 1

Originally, she'd moved out of the city to avoid pesky noises like emergency vehicles activating those blaring sirens, but she supposed she hadn't moved far enough if there was one zooming down the street outside her door. Maybe she should have sprung the extra cash to have her landlord put in those soundproof walls. It certainly would have helped cancel out the noise of that alien invasion/possible government stunt two months ago.

Sadly, even soundproof walls wouldn't have protected the tiny house from the stray alien chariot that crashed through the wall. Some government organization had confiscated the chariot, but they hadn't bothered to fix the hole in the wall - saying something about how her insurance was supposed to cover that sort of thing. Her insurance company and the landlord's insurance company both laughed their heads off and declared that they were lying. After all, the alien crap happened miles and miles away and there was no reasonable way that an alien would get so lost as to come to that neighborhood. Besides, they had no proof that the hole was caused by an alien and not someone driving a car through the wall to create an insurance the hole was currently covered with a lot of duct tape, tarp, and hope that it wouldn't storm any time soon.

But back to the sirens: they were blaring down the street and that blaring could easily be heard through the missing portion of the wall. It was so loud and insistent that it caused Mary's eye's to fly open and immediately look to her alarm clock.

"Good gosh," she moaned, pulling her pillow over her ears, "Three in the morning? Ugh…"

Considering she'd have to get up in an hour and a half to go to work anyway, she figured she should probably just get up and start getting ready to go… but she didn't want to. Her pillow was so soft and the blankets were so warm. Getting ready for work could wait for a few minutes. Or forever.

Ten minutes later and it still sounded like the freaking sirens were circling her freaking house in the freaking wee hours of the morning. And it was getting on Mary's freaking nerves. But she pulled her pillow tighter over her ears and pretended they weren't there… until her bedroom door flew open and a flashlight beam landed on her.

Assuming the police had burst into her home, she sat bolt upright and put her hands in the air. She knew she hadn't done anything wrong, but it seemed like the correct response in a situation of this nature. However, when the flashlight lowered out of her eyes she realized it was not the police standing in her doorway, it was her pesky roommate.

"Mary!" The quiet voice whispered, "What is going on out there?"

"Sue… I don't know - ugh! Don't you ever wear anything besides your panties and bra to bed? Good grief, girl!" Mary tossed a bathrobe at the younger, prettier, smarter, and usually happier girl, who slipped into it, but still managed to make it look hot.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," She tucked her beautiful amber hair behind her gorgeously pale ear and furrowed her brow, "But something strange is going on in our neighborhood."

"So call the freaking Ghost Busters," Mary muttered, swinging her thick, sickly pale legs out of bed and turning off her alarm clock so she wouldn't have to hear three, loud, jarring noises so early in the morning - the first two being the sirens and Sue's voice.

"Where are you going?" Sue asked, following Mary to the kitchen.

"Coffee. Need. Now."

"I could use a cup too."

"Fine."

 _Bee-do! Bee-do! Bee-do!_

"Urrrgh," Mary opened the kitchen window and stuck her head out to watch three more police cars blaze by and what appeared to by a flying gold and red man behind them, "Crap must be something big, Iron Man got involved."

"Really? Can I see?"

Mary moved aside and Sue hung out the window. She pulled back in and crossed her arms tightly over her voluminous chest. The window was closed and they both went to sit down at the kitchen table while they waited for their coffee. As they waited the sirens became more faint and the early morning seemed less intense. Unfortunately, the intensity seemed to be the only thing that was keeping the two young women awake.

Until the coffee was finished, neither had a problem with dozing off at the table. Mary's fist propped up her round face and a few strands of her dark brown hair slipped into her open mouth. Sue carefully folded her arms on the table and used them as a pillow, looking for all the world like a bathrobe model.

"Blast…" Mary heard from over by the hole in their wall. She lifted her head, hairs still sticking to her face, and blinked away the drowsiness. Standing just within the house there stood a man in what appeared to be a cosplay of some sort.

"Who the heck are you?" she grumbled, getting up and slowly heading for the knife drawer, "What the freaking heck do you want this early in the morning?"

Sue shot bolt upright and gasped upon seeing the intruder. The man seemed to be contemplating what to do. While he thought, it dawned on Mary that the stranger breaking into their home might be the reason there were so many police cars - and Iron Man - zooming around. After covertly grabbing a knife from the drawer she took a step closer to inspect his face better.

"Sue…" She said, trying not to panic anyone, "Run."

"What? Why?"

Mary didn't bother to answer, she grabbed her roommate's arm and began to pull her toward the back door, in the opposite direction from the invader. Before they got there, however, he seemed to be standing right in front of them. Sue yelped much like a petite poodle that's tail has been stepped on. Mary held out the kitchen knife between them and the man, knowing it probably wouldn't do much good if this was who she thought it was. While she stood there all she could think was that she should have gone for the baseball bat instead.

"We don't want any trouble, buddy," she said slowly, "You can have the house. We don't care. Won't even call the police on you. Just let us leave."

"You might not care, Mary, but I'll fight for this house. This creep has no business in this house! We outnumber him, I say-"

"Outnumber me?" His voice was like the audio version of a smirk, "Count again."

The women took in their surroundings and stiffened. There were five of him in the house and all of them were smiling. Mary knew that there was no way they were getting out alive unless the man allowed them to so she dropped the knife into the pocket of her fluffy pajama pants and put her hands up. Sue, on the other hand, put up her fists and glared at the man in front of them with such hatred that Mary wondered if she'd finally figured out who he was.

"Listen, Loki, is it? She's just a little bit fiesty this early in the morning. We don't want trouble."

"Sadly, the moment you two had the misfortune of being home when I came you got yourself into trouble. I'm afraid I need a place to lie low and this is the place."

"Crap," Mary sighed, "But Sue and I will only get in your way, right? You'll want the whole place to yourself, I'm sure."

"While that _**would**_ be ideal, I can't very well let you go. I've no guarantee that you won't go to the police and tell them where I am. I don't want to be on the run for the moment," He narrowed his beautiful green eyes, "So you two shall be staying here with me. Besides, I could use servants."

"Servants!" Sue exclaimed, "How dare you, you son of a-"

"Alright, fine," Mary elbowed her roommate. If he was worried about them telling the police then there was a chance that he'd kill them just to ensure that they wouldn't do anything. The less they put up a fight, she figured, the more likely he was to let them out of this thing alive. If he needed a place to sit for a few days then he could have Mary's room and the girls would take Sue's room. They'd ignore him to the best of their abilities and he'd hopefully leave without any murders.

A hand landed on each of their shoulders and they both jumped. When they turned there was only one of Loki and he was a lot more bruised and cut that the doubles had been. His side was covered in blood and he looked exhausted, but his grip on their shoulders was painfully strong.

"Excellent, I'm sure we'll all get along splendidly."

"Great," Mary pointed to her room, "You can stay in there, if you want. Let me grab a few things and then it's all yours." Besides, it would be much easier to spring an escape from Sue's bedroom window than the tiny one in Mary's room.

"What, turn my back on you and let you run? A good effort, truly, but I'm not an idiot."

"Dude," Mary yawned, "I'm not a fighter, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I'll let you do your thing, just leave me and Sue alone."

"You, I trust not to attempt anything," he let go of her shoulder and grabbed Sue's chin. She struggled for a moment to pull away, but he was too strong, "This one though, she has a fire burning in her."

"Get your hands off of me!"

"What's your point?" Mary asked calmly.

"Which room is bigger?"

"Sue's… that's why she and I can just share that room and you can have the other. I mean, if you want the bigger one, that's fine, but it's covered in books and crap."

"Books and crap is precisely what I like," He winked, but his exhaustion was beginning to show and he let go of Sue to hold his side protectively, "This lovely creature and I will share her room and you will keep your own. And so no one gets any ideas" he waved his hand in the air, "All the doors and windows are now locked in a way that only I know how to undo."

"Well that's… crappy," Mary rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"I am _**not**_ staying in the same room as you!" Sue declared.

"I think you missed the part where you don't get a say in the matter."

"There is no way I'll share a bed with _**you**_."

"Relax, we bought the air mattress for a reason, remember?" Mary, hoping the invader wouldn't kill her the moment she stepped away, went down the tiny hallway and opened the even tinier closet. She pulled out a box and returned with it, handing it to Sue, "Granted, that reason was not in case an alien warlord breaks into our house and holds us hostage, but close enough."

"Clever of you, Mary," Loki winced and held his side again, "Now, does either of you have any medical training?"

"I'm out."

"Well… I'm a CNA. We've got a first aid kit in the bathroom, but that looks pretty bad," Sue bit her lip nervously, "I'm not sure if I can do much for it."

"I don't need much for it anyway. Just a few stitches."

Mary let them go off to the bathroom to tend to his wounds and she quickly tried the backdoor. It was locked, just as Loki'd promised. She tried a few windows, but had no luck. When she heard the running water in the bathroom stop, she froze and listened. From what she heard it sounded as if they were having a conversation about morality. Shrugging, she went into Sue's room and looked around for anything that would be useful. Most of the stuff in there was useless in this sort of situation. Books on mythology weren't going to help them get away from a living myth. She did find the hairbrush she'd lent to her roommate a month ago, but apart from that there was nothing that could be used to overpower the intruder, pry the windows open, or otherwise aid them.

"If I am not mistaken you are in my room."

Mary turned and immediately covered her eyes.

"Good grief! Put on a shirt, man!"

"I'd prefer not to, seeing how uncomfortable it seems to make you and Sue," he snickered, "Kindly explain what you are doing in here."

"Just looking for any of my own junk that I might have left in here," she raised the hairbrush, "Found some."

"Good. Now get out."

"With pleasure, dude," Still covering her eyes, she left and went to her own room. Once there she grabbed her phone and texted her boss.

 _ **Can't come in today. Family emergency.**_

A few minutes later she got a frustrated reply.

 _ **No one can cover for you. Get your butt in here.**_

Mary put the phone under her pillow, sure that if Loki knew of its existence he'd take it away and ruin her chances of calling the police once she'd escaped. Her current plan was to get herself out and then get the police or the army or the Avengers and have them rescue Sue and take down Loki. Escaping shouldn't be too hard once she could get outside. She went to Sue's room and found her captor and her roommate way too close to each other.

"Yo, Loki?" Mary asked, "Do you trust me enough to let me go to work? My boss will get suspicious if I don't show up."

"No. You will stay here," he swayed a little and sat down on the bed.

"Okay," she left them and went back to her room and crashed on the bed. If she couldn't go to work, she'd at least get a little more sleep. Escaping could wait. Besides, she'd only get one chance at it and she wanted to make it count. For that to happen she had to be at her best. Her best wasn't exactly awake at three forty-five in the morning. So she'd bide her time and then make a break for it.

"Freaking sirens had to freaking wake me up for this freaking circus," she muttered into her pillow, "I freaking do not need this in my life."

 **Note from the author: Welcome to my first ever fanfiction story on Fanfiction dot net. It shall be glorious. Thank you, peasant, for taking time out of your busy peasant day to experience the awesomeness of my fictional tale. If you review and favorite and follow I shall not send my snow globe army to your house when they inevitably take over the world. You're welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

He did not sleep. Apart from the fact that his side felt as if it were on fire he also was fretting about the spell he'd put over the doors and windows. Around six thirty in the morning he heard footsteps from Mary's room heading for the living room and then cursing. He had crept out of the room he'd been in and spotted the plump woman running her hands around the adhesive that held a tarp over the hole in the house. She evidently had thought he'd forgotten that particular exit and was disappointed to find it also barred. When the woman had gone, grumbling, back to her room, he'd returned to his as well.

At seven Sue woke up and immediately began glaring at him. He smirked back and made a comment about her clearly visible undergarments. She'd blushed furiously and rewrapped herself in the robe. Loki ignored her and went to the kitchen. She followed.

He had expected to see Mary up and about but a loud snoring sound from her room gave away her current position. Sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs he raised an eyebrow at Sue. She was studying him carefully.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"It must be something or else you wouldn't be looking at me in such a way," He crossed his arms, wincing as he felt the stitches in his side pull, "Speak up."

"It's just…" She stared intensely, "I didn't expect you to look so human."

"Perhaps humans simply look Asgardian," He shrugged, dropping the issue, "I assume one of you two knows how to cook?"

Sue narrowed her orbs, probably thinking of barking out some reply about not being a servant, but was interrupted by Mary's snores stopping. The blonde looked in the direction of her roommate's space and crossed her arms.

"Mary usually eats at work. I tend to eat cereal."

"From now on one of you will be cooking a meal for all three of us. Will it be you or Mary this morning?"

Sue got up, still dressed in only a robe, and pulled some eggs out of the refrigeration unit. She began to cook them as Loki watched. When the eggs were nearly done Mary ambled out of her room, fully dressed and looking alert despite her early morning attempt to escape.

"Whoa, Sue," Mary smiled, "I didn't know you could cook!"

"My mother taught me," Sue replied, putting the eggs onto plates and flipping the pancakes she'd started while waiting for the eggs, "Would you mind grabbing the syrup from the cabinet?"

"Yeah, sure thing," Mary went to a small cupboard and pulled out butter and some brown liquid in a squeeze container. She set them down on the table and eyed Loki suspiciously. He made no comment, but stared back. Mary looked away first as she went down the hall to the same closet she'd retrieved the air mattress from and came back with a folding chair. She opened it up and set it down at the table.

"Alright!" Sue sang out, "Let's eat!"

She brought the pancakes and eggs to the table with a smile and served the food to the other occupants of the table. Mary greedily ate hers and Loki decided that it must not be poisoned when Sue took a bite of hers as well.

"This is… not terrible," He complimented the chef.

"Thanks?"

Mary continued to scarf her food down with a vigor that would have contested Volstagg.

"Have you not eaten in a week or something?" Loki sneered, "You could out eat a pig!"

Mary winced and put down the fork that had been reaching for seconds. She wiped her syrupy face off with a napkin and cleared away her plate.

Sue reached for seconds and Loki raised an eyebrow.

"What?" She said, slight blush creeping up her cheeks.

"Nothing," He shrugged, "I simply admire a woman who can eat."

Mary sighed for whatever reason and walked off to her room. Sue shoved her plate away from her and got up to follow her roommate, but Loki roughly grabbed her arm,

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To comfort Mary, jerk!" Sue spat, trying to pull away from him.

"And why would she need comfort?"

"Because you are a complete butt-head!"

"Excuse me?!" Loki stood up and pulled her closer to him with a glare.

"You heard me," Sue defied him, chin jutted out and shoulders back, "You were awful to her!"

"In what way?" He scoffed, "I have barely spoken to her all morning."

"You said she eats like a pig," Sue explained, fire burning in her green orbs, "And then you said you thought it was admirable that I eat a lot of food! Do you seriously see no problem with that?"

Loki rolled his eyes.

"You Midgardians are far too sensitive."

"Whatever, let me go," she tried to pull away again, "I made you breakfast and everything, I did what you asked. Let me go."

He released her and watched her as she went to Mary's bedroom door, knocked, and was allowed entry. He supposed she was right about what he'd said, but what did she expect? He wasn't going to coddle his hostages. Even if he couldn't get the image of Sue's beautiful face out of his mind. Or the image of her full lips, perfect curves, and gorgeous flowing blonde hair.

"No!" He snapped and decided to read a book to distract himself. He went to the huge bookcase he'd seen in Sue's room and picked up one that looked to be of interest. _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone._ The paperback copy was well worn with sticky notes highlighting favorite parts and lines. Obviously it was a favorite.

Seeing as Sue and Mary didn't seem eager to come out and chat, he claimed the couch in the small living area and sprawled out. He turned to the first page and started reading, growing more and more interested with each word.

 **A note from the author: Thank you for reading. I would also like to make you aware of the fact that this is meant to be a bit of a farce, sort of making fun of FF tropes. So, if you see me using the word "orbs" an excessive amount... that's why. ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

Mary was grateful that Sue was trying to make her feel better, but she was rather tired of her roommate's incessant going on about how Loki was wrong to say whatever it was he'd said. Mary had almost forgotten by this point. It had been half an hour of listening to Sue quote pretty much the entirety of the feminist tag from tumblr.

"Oh!" Mary stiffened turned her ear toward the door of her room, "Did you hear that?!"

"What?" Sue asked.

"I think he's doing something out there! You'd better go check to see what he's up to!"

Sue nodded and left the room. Mary sighed and enjoyed her peace until she heard Sue berating Loki for stealing a book from her room. Probably one of the _Harry Potter_ ones. They were Sue's prized possessions. Mary peeked out the door.

At least Sue had gotten changed out of her bathrobe during their long "chat". Even if she could totally pull it off, it was getting ridiculous to see the tall beauty walking around in practically nothing while there was a strange, majorly attractive man in their house. Now Sue was wearing black skinny jeans and a black long sleeve shirt. And bright red combat boots. Sue had always had a very edgy style. At least in Mary's opinion.

Mary didn't ever wear anything except graphic tees and her work polo though, so she tended to think everyone's outfits were edgy.

She closed the door and laid down on her bed. She was tempted to take another nap. It had been a long time since she'd had a good long nap. But with the foreign, dark, mysterious, hot, creepy dude in the house she didn't think she'd be able to sleep. He might decide to kill her or something and she kind of wanted to be awake for that so she could say something cool as she died.

So, instead of napping, she just rested on her bed for a few minutes. Enjoying the feeling of doing nothing at all, Mary was disappointed when her peace and quiet was interrupted by the sound of Sue shouting about how horrible of a person Loki was. It was countered by a heated argument from Loki that Mary couldn't quite make out because his voice was so low. It was arguably the most attractive voice Mary had ever heard in her life and she liked listening to it even if it was describing how pathetic mortals were and how they needed to be ruled.

Mary got up, peeked out the door again, saw Sue and Loki up in each other's faces and snarling, closed the door, and grabbed her laptop.

"Well, now seems like a good time to get caught up on _Stranger Things_."

Of course, she had to remember that this wasn't exactly vacation time. She should be figuring out ways to escape, call the the police, and get Loki out of her house. But… she was really far behind on _Stranger Things_. Stopping an alien warlord could wait an hour or two. Depending on how much she wanted to binge.

* * *

Four hours later, Maisy exited her bedroom to go to the bathroom and spotted Loki and Sue sitting in the living room, quietly staring each other down. Mary cleared her throat and Loki jumped and looked at her with a fierce expression.

"What?"

"Um… you guys okay?"

"Why wouldn't we be?" Loki sneered shrewdly.

"I don't know, because you're sitting there staring at each other like you are about to either jump up and stab one another or make out or something."

"No!" Sue exclaimed, "He is evil! I'd never even consider it!"

"Oh really?" Loki ignored Mary in favor of grabbing Sue's forearm and yanking her up out of her seat and against his chest. Sue gasped, her big gorgeous lips parting in surprised and her cheeks reddening a bit. Mary raised an eyebrow.

"Not even if I do this?" Loki whispered, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb and leaning in closer.

"Get away from me!" Sue shoved him, but he didn't move, only smiling wider.

"Oookay then. As long as everything is alright out here!" Mary interrupted, "I'll just get back to my show and…"

"Wait," Loki ordered, finally backing away from Sue with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, "Mary, if you must know, I have decided that Sue is never to be out of my line of sight. She attempted to attack me with a kitchen knife - she has surprisingly good aim."

"She takes knife throwing lessons," Mary quipped.

"And then she tried to call the police with her cellular phone. So she will not go anywhere without me. If you attempt to take her out of my line of sight the rule with apply to both of you, much as I detest seeing your face."

"What if she has to go to the bathroom?" Mary asked curiously, "You really want to watch her pee?"

"I… uh… oh."

"And take a dump? Cause I'm sure even she can't make everything look pretty," Mary grinned a little, "At least, the smell sure isn't pretty when she's been-"

"Mary!" Sue hissed.

"Sorry, but it's true."

"Fine. She may use the restroom unaccompanied."

"Cool," Mary nodded, "Speaking of using the restroom, excuse me."

When she was done in the bathroom they'd gone back to staring at each other, but they'd moved closer to one another. Mary had never seen Sue looking so murderous.

"If you guys need something, holler, okay?" Mary went back into her room and locked the door. Now she'd finally start working on a plan to get Loki out of the house. Hopefully it wouldn't take to much work, but she suspected even though he was incredibly rude and angry, he was also incredibly smart. He probably wasn't going to be easy to beat, but Mary was determined.

 **A note from the author: thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

At the end of the day Mary's boss texted her an angry message about not showing up to work. The boss probably would have fired her if it hadn't been for the fact that the convenience store was extremely understaffed as it was. Mary sent a quick text responding.

 _So sorry, but I told you I had an emergency. Emergency is going to last a few days at least._

She hit send and wondered if she should have sent for help. Loki didn't know about her phone yet. She could easily call the police and have them lay siege on the house and get Loki to give up. But something told her that this wasn't the best idea. After all, if the regular police showed up Loki would know about her phone and the normal police probably wouldn't be able to do anything about a power hungry alien-god-dude anyway.

Still, it would be nice to make the authorities somewhat aware of the predicament. Mary laid back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She found that looking at the fan circle around and around always helped her mind churn out ideas. And it was working fairly well until she heard laughter from the living room.

It had been a few hours since Mary had checked on her roommate, but she hadn't been too worried about her. After all, Sue studied Krav Maga, fencing, knife throwing, and archery. Something about reading hundreds of adventure novels had made the blonde feel like she needed to learn cool skills that weren't really all that useful in day to day life. But at least she could kick butt if the need arose so Mary wasn't concerned about leaving Sue alone with the creepy hot alien man.

Until she heard laughter. Not just any laughter either. It was Sue's "I think you're cute, wanna hang out" laugh. Reserved only for flirting with buff beauts at bars. And, apparently, alien warlords who were holding them hostage.

Mary peeked her head out the door and saw Sue and Loki sitting on the same couch. They seemed to be discussing Harry Potter - a fad Mary had never gotten in on. Loki looked the most relaxed she'd ever seen him, leaning back casually into the sofa. And Sue had her hand on his shoulder.

Two possibilities came to mind.

Sue was flirting with Loki to get him to drop his guard and possibly let them go. A plan Mary had considered herself before realizing she wasn't attractive.

Loki had used his cooky magic mumbo jumbo on Sue for some entertainment while he was hiding out.

Option two scared Mary quite a bit because it meant that Sue was not in her right mind and her only ally (not to mention one of her only friends) was under the influence of some freaky love-spell or something. Not to mention a love-spell was probably ten times worse than a roofie because Sue would actively be pursuing the creep.

Mary quickly threw her door open, causing it to hit the wall with a loud _**bang!**_

"Hey! It's about dinner time, don't you guys think?" She exclaimed, taking loud thumping steps past them and into the kitchen, "How do you feel about hamburgers? I could really do with a big fat juicy hamburger after all of this crazy stuff."

"Mare, you okay?" Sue asked, moving to get off the couch.

"You know, for being a hostage to a mass murderer? I'm surprisingly okay. How about you, Sue?" Mary spun quickly and grabbed Sue's shoulders, staring into the green orbs carefully. Nothing seemed different. She didn't seem like she was under a spell of any sort.

"I-I'm fine, Mary. You sure you're okay?" Sue looked really concerned for some reason, which was good Mary supposed. Love-spells probably didn't let you care about anyone but the person you were infatuated with. At least on TV.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You…" Sue glanced at their guest, who was watching them curiously, "You seem drunk."

"Oh," Mary shook her head. She supposed she was being a bit loud and obvious, "Sorry. I, uh, I'm fine. I was just worried about you for a second there."

"Why?"

Mary lowered her voice.

"You were _irting-flay ith-way the eep-cray!_ "

"I was not!" Sue hissed jerking away from Mary, "How could you think that?!"

"Everything alright, ladies?" Loki was suddenly right next to them with a hand on each of their shoulders. His eyes seemed to know more than he was saying and Mary wondered if he had super hearing like Superman. Things could get very awkward very fast if this was the case.

"I'm fine," Sue glared at Mary for a few seconds, "I'm going to use the restroom."

"We're good," Mary shrugged off his hand and Sue did the same, "You have hamburgers where you come from?"

"I can't say we do."

"Well this will be a fantastic experience for you, won't it?" Mary gave him her brightest smile and he blinked in surprise. Before he could say anything she walked away and grabbed ground beef from the fridge, "So, Loki?"

"Hmm?" He seemed distracted all of a sudden.

"You allergic to anything? Garlic? Tomatoes? Peanuts? Hamburgers?"

"No. Allergies are a uniquely Midgardian weakness," he scoffed, but Mary noticed he was watching her carefully, "Do either of you have any?"

"Aw, you care," Mary snorted.

"I just don't want to poison my hostages by accident."

"Well I am completely allergy free - oh except in spring and summer and fall when the pollen attacks me and my face becomes a blotchy waterfall," Mary shaped the meat into patties and tossed it onto the pan, "And Sue is allergic to shellfish… and romance novels. Heh."

"She reads quite a bit, doesn't she?" Loki had moved closer at some point, making Mary stumble a little bit as she reached for the salt shaker.

"Uh, yeah. She's one of those badass bookworm types. You know, the ones who don't seem like real people because they can break a man's neck while raving about _Lord of the Rings_?"

"I quite like reading myself."

"Then you must be one of those badass bookworms too. Congrats, dude."

"Why aren't you afraid of me?" He asked forcefully, causing her to jerk and look at him.

"I am."

"Neither you or Sue seems it."

"I just… I don't like see the point in cowering. Unless you want me to!" She quickly said, "I can cower if it will keep me alive longer!"

"Don't bother," he sighed, "It will only delay dinner."

"As for Sue," Mary gestured to the bathroom door, "She might actually be more pissed off than afraid. I dunno."

Loki walked away and sat down at the table. For the time it took for the food to get ready he just stared at her. Then Sue came out of the bathroom and they all sat down to eat. It was fairly silent through the meal and then Mary went back to her bedroom, keeping the door open just a crack in case she heard anymore flirtatious laughter from her roommate.

Then she got back to planning.

* * *

The short fat one was up to something. It was greatly disappointing that this was the case because Loki had been counting on her being the easy one to deal with. She was nice to keep around incase the Avengers - idiots - poked their heads around because then he could kill Mary and throw her corpse to them to show he was serious and then hang onto Sue to do away with if the Avengers - idiots - tried anything else. But if she was planning things then she might need to be disposed of sooner.

He first caught on that she was up to something right before dinner when she'd smiled at him. It had been disconcerting because it had sent a shiver through him. There had to be magic involved because he'd never had a smile from a woman affect him that way. She had to have learned some spell - or perhaps she wasn't of earth. He'd heard rumors of renegade Asgardians and Vanir escaping to Midgard. Perhaps he had the incredible misfortune to have run across one.

Then again, it could have just been a draft that made him shiver.

He tried to convince himself that was what it was.

 **A note from the author: thank you for reading. I own nothing. Blah-dy blah.**


	5. Chapter 5

Three days of sitting around the house walking on eggshells passed and Mary still hadn't thought of a plausible plan. Meanwhile, she noticed that Sue was becoming more and more comfortable around their unwanted guest. Not to mention said guest seemed to be doing more and more _creepy_ things around Sue.

Like placing his hand on her shoulder.

Or pulling her toward him harshly when they argued (which was often).

Or staring into her eyes after the argument fizzled out a bit.

Or brushing her hair out of her face.

The worst, however, was when he knew Mary was watching, because he always seemed to find excuses to touch Sue or say something suggestive to her. It was like he was trying to prove what a creep he was or something. It made Mary ridiculously uncomfortable, but worse than that, it made her ridiculously jealous.

She had never been envious of the male attention that Sue had gotten before. After all, Sue always ended things with those men so they obviously weren't the greatest of gents. And men only got in the way anyway. They were expensive too because they ate so much. And they left the toilet seat open. In Mary's opinion it was just much better to go manless unless you really, truly loved him. She'd come up with this opinion after asking several men out and having them laugh in her face.

Eventually though, she'd embraced the idea and she hadn't felt at all jealous that men asked Sue out on a regular basis but no one ever asked her out. She just kept moving with life and that was that.

However, something about seeing Loki flirting with Sue and continue to look down his nose at Mary, made her just a bit green. It was annoying to find out that even aliens didn't find her attractive.

Not to mention she was in a fowl mood to begin with because after three days of not showing up to work her boss had fired her over text.

So, when she walked out of her room one sunny afternoon, after hours of plotting against Loki, just to get a refill on her coffee, and she saw Sue and the alien man passionately making out on the sofa she didn't think. She took her empty mug and she lobbed it their direction. It Loki right in the back of his head.

There was a long pause that would have given Mary plenty of time to go lock herself in her room, but she didn't. She simply stood there while Loki slowly turned to look at her. He didn't move and she didn't move for at least a whole minute. Sue was looking both embarrassed and afraid for Mary.

"Now," Loki rubbed the back of his head, "Do you really think _that_ was a good idea?"

"Mary…" Sue said softly.

"To be clear," Mary said through grit teeth, "That was not an attempt to wound or kill you, Loki. It was not an attempt to escape or anything of the sort."

"Then what exactly was it?" He sneered.

"Anger. Instinct. A bad spur of the moment decision."

"I hope you realize that I could kill you for that."

"Yup."

"Any reason why I shouldn't kill you?"

Sue grabbed his collar and forced him to look back at her.

"If you kill her you'd better kill me too."

He was quiet for a long moment and then smirked.

"You think I wouldn't?"

"I think you'd prefer not to," Sue replied as Mary inched toward the door to the garage. The outside entrances might all be magically locked, but the door between the house and the garage was still the sturdiest door in the house and Mary wanted to be behind it.

"Don't move Mary or I'll throw a knife through your heart this moment," Loki commented, not looking at her, "You are correct, darling, I'd prefer not to wring your pretty neck."

He turned to look at Mary.

"And I don't think you meant what you just did. Still, I think you shall spend the rest of the week locked in the basement," he gently pushed Sue off of his lap and got up to grab Mary's arm. He hauled her over to the basement door and practically pushed her down the stairs, "Sue will toss down some water bottles later, but you'll go without food the next few days."

"What? No! You can't!"

"I already did."

He slammed the door and Mary saw a flash of green that meant he'd locked her in. Mary didn't want to get into more trouble, but she shouted curses at him regardless. When he didn't respond she grabbed an old vase that was on a shelf and threw it at the door, satisfied by the loud crash.

Then she decided to make the most of her situation and she sat down in an old yard chair to plot her revenge.

 **A note from the author: this story is really, as I said, a farce. That being said, it won't be much longer because I have other projects I'd like to work on. So expect a few more chapters and then, possibly, an anti-climactic ending. ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

"What if she's dead?" Sue muttered to herself, while in the shower, "What if she died of starvation?"

It had been three days since Mary had been locked in the basement, and thought Loki had allowed her to have as much water as she wanted, she hadn't had a bite to eat in all of that time. Sue couldn't imagine how much pain her roommate must be in and she desperately wanted to bring her some food.

After all, it was all her fault that Mary was locked in the basement anyway. If she hadn't have been stupid enough to start kissing their captor then Mary wouldn't have been angry enough to throw a freaking mug at the freaking god of mischief's freaking head! It was such a freaking bad idea from start to finish.

In her frustration, Sue slammed her hand on the shower wall, realized it might sound like she fell down or something, and quickly wrapped up her shower. She got dressed as quickly as possible and opened the bathroom door. As soon as she exited the small room, she bumped right into Loki's chest.

"L-Loki!" She yelped, caught off guard.

"Are you alright? I heard a thud."

"I dropped the shampoo bottle."

"Liar."

"Fine," she shrugged, "I hit the wall. No big deal. I was just frustrated."

"Frustrated? Hmm?" His arm slunk around her shoulders and pulled her to him, "Whatever about, my dear?"

Sue knew she couldn't be honest with him. She couldn't tell him that she was furious that he wouldn't give Mary any food. She couldn't tell him that she wanted to hate his stupid alien guts, but there was something about him that kept drawing her in. And she certainly couldn't tell him that she didn't want him to go - not because she was deeply in love with him, but because this was the most excitement she'd ever had in her life and she didn't want to let it go. There was something flattering about having a prince focusing all of his attention on her and she wasn't sure she was ready to let that go. Even if she could figure out a way to let the police know about the predicament she was in.

"What is it?" His lips whispered right in her ear, "Don't make me force it from you."

"It's nothing important," Sue shook her head, causing her wet hair to hit him in the face.

"Tell me," he ordered.

"It's…" she figured telling him a portion of the truth would be her best bet. He'd be able to tell if she was lying anyways. He always could, "It's Mary."

"How disappointing," he brushed her hair back and backed her against a wall. She was suddenly quite distracted by his lips, but not what they were saying, "Here I was hoping it was because you and I aren't currently kissing. I can tell you, that is the cause of _my_ frustration."

He moved in for a kiss, but Sue moved her head to the side at the, last second and he gave the wall a smooch. She grinned sheepishly at him when he glared at her.

"Can't we give Mary some food?"

"No," he snapped, this time firmly taking her face in hand, "So forget it and kiss me."

"No," she frowned, "I am not just going to forget that my friend is locked in the basement without food while we make out!"

"It would be in your best interest to try to do just that."

"Get off of me!" She managed to slip away from him, walking to the kitchen and living area. She opened the pantry, looking for granola bars. She found one with a long list of nutritional facts and hoped it would be enough to tide Mary over for a bit. Before she could sneak it over to the basement door and try to open the basement Loki intercepted her and caught her wrists.

"And _where_ do you think you are going with _that_?"

"Loki, it is only a small bit of food! Look at how tiny this thing is! There is no way it could sustain her for long!" Sue pleaded, "Just let me give it to her!"

"And allow you to defy my rules? I do not think so. If I let you do this, then you'll start asking to break other rules and next thing you know the Avengers will be breaking down the door."

"You think I'd turn you in?"

"Just because I find you attractive does not mean I trust you, Sue. Never make that mistake. I trust no one."

"Please, Loki, it's only a granola bar!"

"And she only has three more days to survive down there. She will be fine. Lose some of that fat, even!"

"Don't call her fat," Sue tried to wiggle out of his grip again, "Don't think that because I let you kiss me that I like you any more that she does."

"Let me?" He chuckled, "You think I need your permission?"

"I think you have more class than _that_ , Loki," Sue stopped struggling and glared at him, "But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you are just a common thug."

"There is nothing common about me!" He snarled, letting her go by shoving her away from him, "Go give Mary that small bit of food. But no more than that."

Sue knew better than to thank him. She just rushed to the basement door, opened it and tossed it down into the dark. There was no response from Mary and Sue wanted to go and check to see if she was actually still alive. She didn't think three days without food could kill anyone, but she was still worried. Checking on her friend would have to wait though. She would have to do something to calm Loki down before he decided to kill them both.

 **A note from the author: You probably thought this story was dead, but no, no, no! We still have that anticlimactic ending to get to! You are probably wondering why I am suddenly updating after so long. Well, I have finished writing my other fic (not finished updating, but finished writing)** ** _and_** **TripleLLL just reviewed every chapter of this story and that inspired me. So thank you TripleLL! :D**


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